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Judy Spooner: Everyone has a chance to win in my Winter Olympics

I'm looking forward to watching the Winter Olympics.

The skill level is so high that no one I know can come close to doing any of the sports.

During the summer games, so many events are against the clock. Sitting in our favorite television-watching chairs, we physically lean into the finishing line tape when winners cross.

But I think the winter games are more exciting. We watch people up in the air, skating, skiing and snowboarding, and pray that they'll come to earth in one piece. The triple jump in track is kids' stuff compared to soaring through outer space.

As for luge (ultra sledding), I can't imagine the mindset of anyone looking forward to going down an icy track at 60 miles per hour.

It must be hard for people in Southern California to identify with cold sports. But to us in Cold Country, being comfortable outside in winter is second nature. We don't even wear gloves unless the temperature goes below freezing.

We should have Olympic games for common people.

I have a potential list of events. You knew I would.

In the Car Ice Off, participants start in a toasty warm bed under a mountain of covers. They have to get up, dress, eat a bowl of oatmeal and down a cup of coffee. Then they run to their cars, which are covered with layers of ice covered by two-inches of snow and start the car. The first driver to cross under the Interstate 94 Bridge in Newport is the winner.

Minnesotans would have an advantage, of course, because we know how to brush off just enough snow and ice to get on the road. We crank the defroster as high as it will go rather than waste time scraping off the car. We invented "peep-hole driving."

The Toddler-dressing Day Care event is open to participants of all ages. If you don't have a toddler, borrow one from a neighbor. Even if it's been 20 years since you've done it, you don't forget.

The event starts with feeding breakfast to a toddler, aged 18 months old to 2 years old. Tots must actually eat the breakfast of two mini-pancakes and consume four ounces of juice. This is a test of your ability to persuade a child to eat. Bribery is acceptable. Officials will be watching so adults don't eat the pancakes.

If your toddler decides to look innocent while going entirely limp when you are putting on a snowsuit and boots, you will lose time in the event.

In the After-work Marathon, contestants, which can be men or women, have to pick up two kids from school or day care, pick up dry cleaning, take the children to the grocery store, pick up milk and diapers and figure out what to buy and make for dinner. They have to successfully push grocery carts to their cars through 2 inches of slush.

The Trash Dash is done in darkness and at temperatures below 20 degrees above zero. Participants, dressed in bathrobes and slippers, must take the trash and recycling to the curb. The fastest time wins. Let the games begin.

Judy Spooner
Judy Spooner is the longest-serving staff writer at the South Washington County Bulletin. Spooner, who covers education and features in addition to writing a weekly column, has been with the newspaper for over 30 years.
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