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Judy Spooner: Yep, we got an 'app' for that

From time to time, I call on my mythical Department of Technical Support to solve problems. I'm happy to announce this week that tech support has added new services.

It seems that all of the technology we operate, such as cell phones, has applications that can be added. More are being invented every day.

Judy's tech support department has new applications that will help you solve the most trying situations. Whatever it is, "we have an app for that."

In a recent call to tech support, Sarah from San Antonio said her boss insists that she read her e-mail on weekends and vacations in case he needs to talk to her. "I resent the intrusion," she said.

Tech support sent her information on a new app that can be installed to run only during the hours Sarah enters into her home computer and onto her cell phone, in case the boss has her number.

The app receives the e-mail so Sarah can tell if it's an emergency, but the boss will receive a message that he has used the wrong address. His message can also be diverted to sites of a sexual nature so he will get endless spam about male enhancement.

There are a variety of site diversions available in the application and a full set of reasons why the e-mail failed to be delivered including bogus messages from his Internet provider as to why.

Messages from mothers-in-law can be blocked or diverted to sites with really good coupons so they'll forget about messaging you and go shopping.

There was another call from Anthony in Annapolis stating that his son recently received his driver's license. Anthony is worried that Albert will be reckless with the family car.

Tech support e-mailed that there's an app he can download to the car's computer that will tell Anthony how many people are in the car. It's also tied in with the ignition. Unless all passengers are wearing seatbelts, the car won't start.

Messages will be sent to dad's cell phone if the car goes over the speed limit with options to detect if the radio is being played over 90 decibels and if Albert is text messaging while driving.

All events in the car can also be recorded.

Nellie in New Orleans sent an exasperated plea to tech support that her daughter forgets to do household chores, puts off cleaning her room and doesn't do her school homework.

"You bet we have an app for that," said tech support in a return e-mail.

When installed, Nellie can program various to-do items into her daughter's cell phone. Until the required behaviors are achieved, her Facebook page will be blocked until Nellie unlocks it from her cell phone.

Daughter pleas and unhappy e-mails can be blocked from her mother's phone.

Belinda in Bozeman said her husband tells her he is playing extra holes at the golf course but she suspects he's just sitting around with his friends.

Tech support immediately sent her an app to download to his cell phone. It detects the smell of Buffalo wings, nachos and anything wrapped in bacon.

"We're still working on the app to detect card playing and gambling," Tech Support wrote.

Judy Spooner
Judy Spooner is the longest-serving staff writer at the South Washington County Bulletin. Spooner, who covers education and features in addition to writing a weekly column, has been with the newspaper for over 30 years.
(651) 459-7600