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Judy Spooner: Learn a few 'snappy' comebacks

I'm cleaning out my e-mails this week. The Internet, and a few friends, have given me an endless supply of sayings and stuff you can add to bump up the quality of conversations.

If you are fed up with life, you can tell people: "Some days it doesn't even pay to chew through the restraints."

If you need a saying to post in your cubicle at work or add some zip to the stuff you put on your fridge, consider some of the following adages: "Honk if you love peace and quiet," or "Remember that half the people you know are below average."

The following saying is bound to pass over the heads of some dim bulbs you know. Quote it to them as a piece of deep insight on the state of the world and wait for a reaction. Remember to appear as if you are pondering something philosophical. "Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"Remember to support bacteria. It's the only culture some people have," is interesting to say if you meet your high school biology teacher in a grocery store. If he or she laughs, you can follow it up with: "OK, so what is the speed of dark?"

There are silly axioms such as "How do you know when you are out of invisible ink?" or "A day without sunshine is like ... night." Or consider: "On the other hand, you have different fingers."

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol," is a clever response if your lunch companion tells you how much fat there is in the hamburger you just ate.

Most of us have had dealings with people who are self-righteous. According to them, they eat oatmeal every day after rising at 5 a.m. and return to a store if they get more change than they are entitled to. When they say they don't make mistakes, counter with: "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

To further confuse them, add: "If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

I maintain that having a bad memory is the key to a successful and long marriage. I should know, husband Gary and I are coming up on 49 years.

Don't just tell people you are "out of sorts" or having a bad day; spice it up with: "I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."

Ben Franklin gave us: "The early bird catches the worm." If someone quotes it as a way to extol the virtues of rising early, tell them: "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese," or "eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines."

I can't think of an occasion to use the following saying, but I thought this was funny, not if you are getting your car repaired, however, but still amusing. "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Judy Spooner
Judy Spooner is the longest-serving staff writer at the South Washington County Bulletin. Spooner, who covers education and features in addition to writing a weekly column, has been with the newspaper for over 30 years.
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