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Judy Spooner: Too many forwards in your inbox?

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opinion Cottage Grove, 55016
Cottage Grove Minnesota 7584 80th Street South 55016

I'm convinced most people across the country are reading the same e-mail messages every day, and I know who is responsible.

There are retired men whose only purpose in life is to recycle stuff they get from other retired guys and forward them to everyone they can think of, even if they have only met them once or twice. Once you get on their list, you are doomed to spend a lot of time clearing them out of your e-mail.

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I love husband Gary more than life itself, but I have a folder to hold his forwarded e-mails from the RGM (Retired Guys Mafia) so I can spend my time actually communicating with people.

I don't want to stop the flow of "forwards" because there might be something interesting. It's reading them all that takes so much time.

I've devised a method for sorting them that should speed up that process. You knew I would.

Under things to keep or read later are "redneck jokes." Most of them are funny and you should read stories about kids such as the one about a kindergarten class touring a police station. The officer leading the tour explained the most wanted list. "We sure want to arrest this one," he said. One boy was puzzled. "Why didn't you keep him here when you took his picture?"

Newspaper headline goofs are usually funny such as, "Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison."

Church signs are funny, but there are a lot of them and some have been altered in photo programs. You're better off buying the book about church signs.

There are very few funny stories about dolphins on the Internet, so I read this e-mail: "Did you know that dolphins are so smart that after only a few weeks of captivity, they train people to throw them fish?"

I'm tired of chocolate stories and jokes, especially those referring to women's moods. Eat it and be quiet.

Lone Ranger jokes are not funny and neither are about 90 percent of jokes about old people and retirees. The RGM guys love them, however, so just hit "delete."

I don't open anything if the subject lines are: only in America, worth reading, funny but true, truths or stuff about old cars.

Most jokes are too long. Don't read any joke that starts with "So God said to the monkey ... "

Daughter Laura, who only sends me good stuff, sent me the following joke that you could consider keeping.

"David got a talking parrot for his birthday. The bird had a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary that included swearing and other expletives. He tried hard to get the bird to stop, but nothing worked.

"In a moment of desperation, he put the bird in his freezer and it was quiet.

"Frightened he might have harmed the bird, David opened the freezer.

"The bird calmly stepped onto David's arm and said, 'I'm sorry I offended you with my language. I ask your forgiveness.'

"'By the way, what did the turkey do?'"

Currently, I only have four months of forwards left in the folder. I started with seven.

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